Unless you’ve gone through and are aware of spiritual battles, it’s very hard to figure out when they are happening to you. It’s been a long time since I’ve been strong enough in my faith and practicing it consistently . . . and it’s been noticed. As my faith and my practicing of the faith has increased the more I’ve noticed that I’ve been having more and more episodes of moodiness, sadness or outright depression. I may not have noticed the correlation, if I didn’t read “Wild at Heart” courtesy of a Mz. A. The enemy can work in subtle whispers or outright barrages and I can feel myself being targeted. Thank God for His strength and power, He has come through for me time and time again and this morning was no different.
My mom bought me Christian Prayer and I’ve been meaning to use it for the last week but I kept getting tired or distracted. This morning when I woke up i was in a funk and just decided to really make an effort and open the book and do the morning prayer. Once I finished it (after using about 10 minutes getting familiar with the book layout) I felt immediately better. I know I’ll continue to struggle at times but I must never forget the strength that Lord provides me in those times and that I can always count on Him for all things. Thank you Lord for saving me, thank you Lord for being there for me.
Sometimes the best way to cope is to just breathe . . . I forget that sometimes. Regardless of stress, fear, pain, whatever sometimes all you have to do is step back, take a deep breathe then continue with a clearer head and heart.
Just when you think you’re really starting to get past something, it gives you a gut punch when you least expect it. As some of my friends know, I’ve been fighting depression and anxiety courtesy of my divorce for the last 7 months. For the most part, I’ve been able to keep all the bad stuff at bay and be able to deal with it in a healthy manner, but there are still days when it’s just a bit much. When it does just get to you and you just feel so tired and rundown. Just have to fight it off and pray, but at the same time I have to believe in my prayers as well as myself. I have to realize that I am strong enough to overcome anything and everything. I guess I was thrown off by today because I had such a good long weekend, between camp and hanging out yesterday, I was feeling great. Just have to keep fighting, and probably get more sleep.
It’s pretty cool how free you can feel when you reach a certain comfort level with a person. Now I’m not talking about just walking around in your birthday suit or something, I’m talking about really being able to be yourself. The freedom to let the true self show is a great thing, to have all the “good and bad quirks” embraced is a wonderful thing. It’s a great thing to be able to let the dork, geek, freak, jock, actor, whatever out and not be shunned or burned. To those of you I can be myself with thanks! Thanks for not running away when “I lose my sense of humor after 10:30″, or when I’m an Uber Dork, or when I’m just a raging mad man . . . thank you for being a friend.
It’s time for me to take it easy. I’ve been partying pretty hard for the last 4-5 months and I need to just take it easy and focus on what’s important. All the partying and going out has put quite the dent in my finances and it’s time for me to start getting my financial house back in order. I just look at my statements and I’m thinking to myself, “How the heck did I drop that much?!” Just not cool. On top of that all this partying has taken a toll on me physically, I don’t get enough sleep, I’m slowly getting out of shape, I’m exhausted most of the time. Not good.
Just got to refocus on what’s important: God, self, health, heart, and true companions. “Just say no!”, is what I have to tell myself as the month of July winds down. Got alot of stuff going on over the next 6 weeks and I really need to make sure I’ve got my head on straight and my stuff in order. Focus, focus, focus . . and slow down.
To my partner in this mad endeavour,
Greetings and salutations! I just want to say, that even though I’m completely exhausted and about to fall on my face I’m still in my “oh so very happy place”. Mad we may be, but at least we’re having a fun time. Thanks . . . for being awesome! Now time for me to hide under my desk and fall asleep . . .
As I sit here, after reading a friend’s recent post, I am reminded of turmoil I’ve been feeling concerning my calling and that I’ve been put on this world to do. How am I meant to serve? Reading the post it mirrors some of the thoughts and questions I’ve asked myself over the last couple of months. Do I have the courage, the faith, the willingness to give up myself to truly serve? I sit here in awe and fear - awe at how God just works through so many channels to deliver a message and fear because of the unknowns.
Honestly I can see myself going down two paths - I can easily see myself being happy entering the Holy Order and just as easily be happy living the life of a married man who loves to serve God. To each their own but for me I ask what is my calling? Maybe this divorce is God giving me a second chance - a chance to live a life full of God. My ex was not of the faith and we had many arguments or debates if you will about how to raise the children (if we had any) and the role Catholicism would play in our lives as a family. With free will comes doubt and uncertainty, the old game of “what if” plays a turn in the mind but by giving oneself up to the will of God all that is removed.
I want to do what God intends for me, not what I expect of myself or what other people want or expect. I do not give up responsibility or decision making because ultimately the choice is mine but I first must know the path that God intends for me. I need to find that quiet place and listen, I find myself overwhelmed at times during mass or while praising when I feel God’s love, when I feel that presence. My heart just overflows with joy to the point where my eyes tear up - as I’ve just read in “Wild at Heart” it is right to be spiritual, it is masculine, it is a very good thing to open yourself up to the Father. Question is can I fully open myself up?
Lord please use me as your vessel, please change my heart so that I can hear you, your message, your commands. I pray that you grant me the strength to help me build and maintain my faith so that I can serve you fully. Grant me the courage to answer your call and whatever it is that you have in mind for me. Grant me peace oh Lord, please grant me peace.
What is beauty? What does it mean when someone says a person is beautiful? Do we define everything by physical descriptions? Do we take into account a person’s personality? The aura they project? Other factors? What do I see? I’ld like to think that I don’t judge till I get to see what a person is like. The more and more I like a person’s personality and the more and more I get to know a person the more “beautiful” they become for me. Sounds like a bunch of mushy crap but for me its true - the beauty of soul does shine through and (at least for me) makes itself very apparent. Similarities, differences, all the facets - all to be appreciated and admired.