Ok, going to change up the mission and use of this blog and use it to help keep me focused on BJJ. I want to use this to keep track of what I’ve done and what I need to do concerning my BJJ path. I want to improve, be a better student, become a better practitioner of the art.

Ok so this entry is just an escape from studying. It’s been a crazy week of suspense and interviews and more interviews. One firm is supposedly checking my references, but I have no word from them yet. I had an interview today with another firm but who knows where that will go due to the absence of some key players at the firm. Then had a last minute interview at a major bank for a contracting job and I have no idea how that works but it should be interesting to see. Nice thing is, if I can smash this technical interview tomorrow then I might be home free. If that is the case, then I’ll get to work at a firm that is walking distance from the apt. That would be a huge plus, but i still have to get past the technical which I hear is grueling but I guess we’ll see what happens. I know my stuff but there are some serious cobwebs up in the ol’ attic.

On a side note had lunch with the little lady I’m seeing and it seems we share an interest in the wonderful NBC show, The Office. Today being April 1st (April Fool’s Day) I set my FB status to me having Count Choculitis and being diagnosed with spontaneous dental hydroplosion and as we were eating she mentioned the status and asked if it was from the office. I don’t know where this will lead, but I do like this one – she’s different in that she’s way smarter then any of the other women I’ve dated up till now and she’s got a fantastic personality. The fact that she’s a good lookin little lady is a wonderful plus. We haven’t really sat down and talked about us or what’s going to happen, for now we’re just enjoying each other’s company and sharing stories. Heck we only found out what the other does today, we’ve got a long ways to go in terms of getting to know each other before we really get anywhere. Either way, I do enjoy my time with her and I do believe she enjoys her time with me – smiles, giggles and outright laughter generally accompany any of our conversations so I’ll take that as a good sign.

I’ve changed the index page on this site so that, hopefully, people can no longer track me on this blog and it’s just a little outpost in nowhere land. i won’t go private with my posts but at least people won’t be able to track me from here on out. Only problem is if they have the old page in the cache it’ll take a while before it goes away. Guess we’ll just have to see – it’s not like I’m posting anything major here – no names, no places, nothing crazy or detrimental to me or others. Ok, time to get back to my studying – till next time . . I’ll be waiting.

“We gotta make a change…
It’s time for us as a people to start makin’ some changes.
Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live
and let’s change the way we treat each other.
You see the old way wasn’t working so it’s on us to do
what we gotta do, to survive.” – Changes by Tupac Shakur

It seems I’m only posting once a quarter now. There have been quite a number of changes since January, I’m now unemployed (but I knew that was coming), I bounced from single to not to dating a lovely lady currently, and I’ve traveled to Rio and back! All sorts of madness going on in my life but at the same time a certain sense of peace. I’ve really enjoyed being unemployed – I was burnt out for a long time and this break has been good for me in a number of ways. I’ve been running more, training more, and just having fun in general. I know I’ll re-enter the rat race soon enough but at the same time, I’m starting to explore other options. I’m trying to figure out what else can I do with my life, how can I truly have a fulfilling life and have the income and time to support that lifestyle. I’m trying to see the big picture and trying to become more while at the same time dealing with the day to day, learning to build on one experience after another. It’s been a long struggle but I’m glad that I’ve come through a stronger and more experienced person for it. Definitely learning to change the way I live and also the way I treat others as well as myself. This is my life, I’m taking charge and I’m making meaningful changes!

I wonder what the new year will bring for me. 08 has brought so much change into my life from being married and in love to not, from being a homeowner to not, broken to fragile to relatively healed. Lots of change, lots of pain, lots of stress and upheavel.

There are a lot of things I want to do in the new year from travel, to learning, to dating. There’s alot I want to accomplish and I just have to do it. I wonder what the new year will bring.

Sometimes the best way to cope is to just breathe . . . I forget that sometimes. Regardless of stress, fear, pain, whatever sometimes all you have to do is step back, take a deep breathe then continue with a clearer head and heart.

It’s time for me to take it easy. I’ve been partying pretty hard for the last 4-5 months and I need to just take it easy and focus on what’s important. All the partying and going out has put quite the dent in my finances and it’s time for me to start getting my financial house back in order. I just look at my statements and I’m thinking to myself, “How the heck did I drop that much?!” Just not cool. On top of that all this partying has taken a toll on me physically, I don’t get enough sleep, I’m slowly getting out of shape, I’m exhausted most of the time. Not good.

Just got to refocus on what’s important: God, self, health, heart, and true companions. “Just say no!”, is what I have to tell myself as the month of July winds down. Got alot of stuff going on over the next 6 weeks and I really need to make sure I’ve got my head on straight and my stuff in order. Focus, focus, focus . . and slow down.

To my partner in this mad endeavour,

Greetings and salutations! I just want to say, that even though I’m completely exhausted and about to fall on my face I’m still in my “oh so very happy place”. Mad we may be, but at least we’re having a fun time. Thanks . . . for being awesome! Now time for me to hide under my desk and fall asleep . . .

As I sit here, after reading a friend’s recent post, I am reminded of turmoil I’ve been feeling concerning my calling and that I’ve been put on this world to do. How am I meant to serve? Reading the post it mirrors some of the thoughts and questions I’ve asked myself over the last couple of months. Do I have the courage, the faith, the willingness to give up myself to truly serve? I sit here in awe and fear – awe at how God just works through so many channels to deliver a message and fear because of the unknowns.

Honestly I can see myself going down two paths – I can easily see myself being happy entering the Holy Order and just as easily be happy living the life of a married man who loves to serve God. To each their own but for me I ask what is my calling? Maybe this divorce is God giving me a second chance – a chance to live a life full of God. My ex was not of the faith and we had many arguments or debates if you will about how to raise the children (if we had any) and the role Catholicism would play in our lives as a family. With free will comes doubt and uncertainty, the old game of “what if” plays a turn in the mind but by giving oneself up to the will of God all that is removed.

I want to do what God intends for me, not what I expect of myself or what other people want or expect. I do not give up responsibility or decision making because ultimately the choice is mine but I first must know the path that God intends for me. I need to find that quiet place and listen, I find myself overwhelmed at times during mass or while praising when I feel God’s love, when I feel that presence. My heart just overflows with joy to the point where my eyes tear up – as I’ve just read in “Wild at Heart” it is right to be spiritual, it is masculine, it is a very good thing to open yourself up to the Father. Question is can I fully open myself up?

Lord please use me as your vessel, please change my heart so that I can hear you, your message, your commands. I pray that you grant me the strength to help me build and maintain my faith so that I can serve you fully. Grant me the courage to answer your call and whatever it is that you have in mind for me. Grant me peace oh Lord, please grant me peace.

What is beauty? What does it mean when someone says a person is beautiful? Do we define everything by physical descriptions? Do we take into account a person’s personality? The aura they project? Other factors? What do I see? I’ld like to think that I don’t judge till I get to see what a person is like. The more and more I like a person’s personality and the more and more I get to know a person the more “beautiful” they become for me. Sounds like a bunch of mushy crap but for me its true – the beauty of soul does shine through and (at least for me) makes itself very apparent. Similarities, differences, all the facets – all to be appreciated and admired.