As I sit here at Catholic Underground surrounded by hundreds of other Catholics I can’t help but feel a wonderful sense of fellowship with all my brothers and sisters. I came on a whim when I realized the date and time as I sat in my room getting my Sunday school stuff together. I came here hoping to fill the empty place that has been with me for a while. Only God can fill that place and I need to walk the path again. I love the universal-ness of the church the collection and variety of race, age and so on makes me feel so proud to be Catholic! Praise God!

Unless you’ve gone through and are aware of spiritual battles, it’s very hard to figure out when they are happening to you. It’s been a long time since I’ve been strong enough in my faith and practicing it consistently . . . and it’s been noticed. As my faith and my practicing of the faith has increased the more I’ve noticed that I’ve been having more and more episodes of moodiness, sadness or outright depression. I may not have noticed the correlation, if I didn’t read “Wild at Heart” courtesy of a Mz. A. The enemy can work in subtle whispers or outright barrages and I can feel myself being targeted. Thank God for His strength and power, He has come through for me time and time again and this morning was no different.

My mom bought me Christian Prayer and I’ve been meaning to use it for the last week but I kept getting tired or distracted. This morning when I woke up i was in a funk and just decided to really make an effort and open the book and do the morning prayer. Once I finished it (after using about 10 minutes getting familiar with the book layout) I felt immediately better. I know I’ll continue to struggle at times but I must never forget the strength that Lord provides me in those times and that I can always count on Him for all things. Thank you Lord for saving me, thank you Lord for being there for me.

Just when you think you’re really starting to get past something, it gives you a gut punch when you least expect it. As some of my friends know, I’ve been fighting depression and anxiety courtesy of my divorce for the last 7 months. For the most part, I’ve been able to keep all the bad stuff at bay and be able to deal with it in a healthy manner, but there are still days when it’s just a bit much. When it does just get to you and you just feel so tired and rundown. Just have to fight it off and pray, but at the same time I have to believe in my prayers as well as myself. I have to realize that I am strong enough to overcome anything and everything. I guess I was thrown off by today because I had such a good long weekend, between camp and hanging out yesterday, I was feeling great. Just have to keep fighting, and probably get more sleep.

adj.
1. Lacking or exhibiting a lack of reverence; disrespectful.
2. Critical of what is generally accepted or respected; satirical

sometimes I wonder if I’m irreverent at least in the context of how I view the Church and God and how I relate to all of it. I’m definitely one to lean to left in terms of how the teachings of Jesus and the Bible can be read. I know this runs very much counter to the current and even previous papacy but it is my world view and my spiritual view. I feel like I’m very much in touch with myself at least on a spiritual basis and that I have a pretty good relationship with God but there are those times of doubt where I wonder if I give Him enough respect. Do I follow the teachings set forth? Do I love and treat my neighbor as I would like to be treated? I guess the fact that I question my faith and actions are better then assuming that it’s all good, that I’m doing fine.

I find it interesting how I’ve let certain things skew how I view things. For example, my ex was a feminist and I must admit some of her views rubbed off on me. Now I’m not talking about gender equality and inter-locking of -isms and what not, I talking more in the context of gender and it’s use in language and definition. Historically God has been viewed as a male figure, yes Adam was made in His image and such but I somehow figured even such literal verses could be allegorical. To certain degree I imagined God as a genderless figure – weird yes I know. Now though I must say that my views are changing to a more traditional view at least in terms of how I see God. Granted I’ve only really started reading it but “Wild at Heart”, by John Eldredge has shown me how I should view myself in the context of God’s creation and as well as His purpose for me. I’ll have to continue this thought at a later point ’cause I’m fading fast here courtesy of lack of sleep but there is one last thought I want to put out there. It’s all about heart, God has placed Himself and his grace in us, in our hearts – we try to be logical creatures to try to define and make things safe but to live we must really be able to listen to our hearts and by extension God and His will. I love you Lord and I thank you for all your wonderful gifts . . you’ve always been there even when I was willing to throw those gifts away. Thank you for my heart.

I just want to go to sleep, I’m so tired from the retreat and yet I’m still going to go to class later tonight and get my ass beat. The saving grace is that I’ll be able to sleep through the night, the not so saving grace is that I need more sleep which I’ll hopefully get tomorrow night. Need to spend more time with kids and figure out my schedule for the end of the week with sandy and mike kim. Just looking forward to training and just getting some stress out.

Not sure what is going on with my life. I’ve gone through the worst dec/jan period in my almost 30 year history. I prayed for something and now I might just be getting what I asked for – just in a very screwed up not the way I thought it would pan out sort of way. Two weeks ago I taught my kids about why there is suffering in this world and why we must experience it. Now I think God is making an example out of me and making sure the lesson hits home. I’m trying to place myself in God’s hands, trying to have faith but its so very hard when the suffering is so great. Yes I know things could be worse and that suffering is relative but damn it this is my life and my pain and my cross to bear. I’m dealing as best as I can . . . I just hope there is a plan behind all of this.

Playing with the themes and figuring out whether or not I still want to keep this blog. I know I have all of 0 readers but it’s all good. On a more personal front – I had a lockin at the church house one last time (we’re moving to Holy Spirit parish in Borough Park). It was really great to be able to be on a more familiar level with the kids. Definitely feel like I’m back into the loop and I also feel more comfortable with them and I think the vice versa applies as well. It has been a nice stretch of being in tough with my Catholic spirituality – praying, reading, studying. Now I realize that it’s only the beginning and I have to recreate my spritual-self. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on this path but it is great to be back. Thanks to the helpful nudges and unfailing support from the wife and fam. it has made it easier to come back. God has def. blessed me with some wonderful gifts in the forms of my wife, my family, and this church. Hopefully this path of spiritual and personal growth continues for me.